I am turning 21 tommorrow?!

 I am turning 21 tomorrow. Feelings? I don't know. None exists. Or perhaps they do but their abundance, their incomprehensibility is getting translated into their intelligibility. So intelligible they are- I can't read them. So abundant they are- I can't understand them. They are- incomprehensible. 

Let's take a step back. There are people. People on this planet. SO MANY PEOPLE. A couple of them form part of my life. PART of MY life. Still somewhere, I give them more importance than my life. To some I am attached. To some I am related. To some, I am attached; I wish to let that attachment go; have been successful to some extent- but not entirely. To some, I was not attached; I wished to develop that attachment; failed; failed miserably- had to let them go (are they gone?). To some, I am not attached; want to develop that attachment; but am scared- what if they don't reciprocate (or are they already reciprocating?). 

I am turning 21 tomorrow. I don't know what lies ahead. Speak of ambition? I don't know. Speak of emotional stability? I want it. I am confused. Confused about everything that lies ahead of me. Scared. Scared to death. I don't want to turn 21. It's around 6 PM right now. 6 hours to go and I will be 21. I wish I could put my hand to all the ticking clocks; all of them that exists in this world right now; and stop them- stop the earth's rotation- stop time- stop myself- and give myself time to think- and figure out everything. But yeah- I wish. 

I sense exhaustion. Exhaustion from trying to make sense of everything that's happening around me; trying to make sense of everything that's happening in the world- inside my head. I want to stop. STOP. I want to be with myself. DO YOU EXIST? DO I EXIST? IF YES, WHERE? I can't see you. It's been so long that I last saw you. It's 'bout time that you show up?! Don't you think?! 

I am turning 21 tomorrow. I am happy I made it to 21. It was not easy. It was difficult; tiring; exhausting; took a lot of energy. How did you manage Grandpa? How did you manage to sustain your core even after going through everything? You were too old when I wanted to ask you this; I was too young when you could answer this. I wish you were here. I wish you could still bring Kachoris for me whenever I feel down. I wish you could tell me Kabir ke Dohe and Ramayana and Mahabharata- their stories- to make me understand the situations of my life- to help me protect my inner core. It feels threatened; I feel threatened; I feel lost. Is this how 20s are? Was it the same for you? I wish you could answer.

There are a lot of things; many people whom I am missing today. I always have lived never wanting to have any regrets. I am turning 21 tomorrow- and I have regrets.